Please, pardon me, while I vent a little before I implode. I promise not to make this a habit. I don’t normally write a lot about my life situation or the constant battle I fight against depression and anxiety. I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I don’t like to dwell on it. Maybe, I should share more. Maybe, I shouldn’t. I try to err on the side of caution because talking about it really does nothing to help, not to mention there’s enough negativity in the world without me adding to it. I prefer to share with the world and focus on the more uplifting and positive aspects of life in order to keep my own sanity in check.
I struggled to find that tiny light of happiness that usually keeps me going; but today, I couldn’t fight back the tears long enough to find it, not after I opened this piece of mail. Instead, I cried all day. It took 3 of the longest years of my life to finally get approved for Social Security Disability. Anyone who has been through the process knows what a nightmare it is. For those who haven’t, well… you basically have to survive for those 3 years on the generosity and compassion of others. For me, I felt I didn’t deserve to live because I was no longer a contributing member of society.
After I was finally approved, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could finally breathe. I still couldn’t survive on my own; but at least, I was contributing a small amount of income to the household bills. Losing that $432 per month is going to hurt, a lot. I haven’t worked for 7 years. Given the state of the economy and the job market, I doubt very seriously anyone would ever consider hiring me with such a huge gap in my work history. It really doesn’t help matters any that going back to work terrifies me more than starving to death. I mean, seriously, I haven’t left my house in a week. How well is that going to work out when I’m supposed to be at a job?
According to the Social Security Administration, “You’re no longer disabled as of 09/12.” It’s nice to know that a lifelong condition will magically disappear next Friday. I will be so relieved to no longer feel the debilitating anxiety around people that I’ve felt since childhood or that overwhelming sensation of sensory overload that occurs when I’m forced into situations that are too much for me to handle. That would be great. I would love to have that freedom of normalcy and be a contributing member of society. It’s just a shame that real life doesn’t come with that magic on/off switch.