Day 30 Paperwork

Day 30 Paperwork by pixygiggles
Day 30 Paperwork, a photo by pixygiggles on Flickr.

I’m stressing over government paperwork today. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not handle stress very well – at all. Because I get overwhelmed so easily, I try to keep my life as simple as possible. When something challenges that simplicity, I tend to shut down, making it very hard to get anything accomplished. I don’t know if that is a result of being bi-polar or something else. I just know that it’s one of those quirky traits that I’ve always had to deal with. Labels are kind of pointless when you really think about it.

I’ve been on Social Security disability for the last 5 years due to my “issues,” and believe me when I say I have many. The money that I get from Social Security each month may not be much, but it does help. I am very, very grateful that we have this system in place in the U.S. because I depend on that little bit of income to survive. My case is up for review which makes me very, very nervous. It took me 3 very long years of barely surviving to finally be approved. In the state of TN, I am told that is standard procedure. If you are applying, expect to be denied at least twice before they ever seriously consider your request.

I’ve really struggled over the past couple of years over whether or not to mention any of this on my blog before now. I know how judgmental people can be. The cruelty I have witnessed online can be truly appalling. However, this is my outlet for emotional support. Whether or not I meant for it to be, that is what it has become.

Whatever the outcome of the review is, I am grateful that I have had the last 5 years to catch my breath, gather my thoughts, and see what options I actually have. Now, the question comes down to, “What do I intend to do with the rest of my life?” That thought is still as scary as the day I graduated high school. But I will face it and I will figure it out.

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