I think most people consider it too morbid to think about death, let alone talk about it with one another. Yesterday was the anniversary of my father’s death (April 14, 2004) and my boyfriend’s father just passed away a couple of months ago. These last few months have brought me to the realization that I think a lot about death. From the summer I turned 14 on into my adult years, the thought of death and why we die has been somewhat of an obsession of morbid curiosity. One that has led me to discover a plethora of information about different cultural, religious, psychological, and scientific views on the matter. That particular summer was a pivotal point in my life because I was diagnosed with Lupus. For the first time in my life, I had to question my own mortality.
At the age of 14, I was so fearful of death that I completely blocked out a lot of that experience and ignored the rest. I’m no longer scared of death. I think of it as a beautiful experience, a reward for the struggles that we are asked to bear in this life. I have reached a point in my life where I don’t see it as something to fear. I believe in impermanence, that no physical manifestation lasts forever because the only thing that ever remains constant is change. Change is the natural order of the universe. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I see this human existence as some sort of training ground for spiritual development. I believe in reincarnation and that we choose to come into this life with certain goals in mind. I believe we are all made of energy that exists even past death, that spark of life that holds all of our memories, our emotions, our thoughts. But that energy like everything else changes, evolves.
Loss can be devastating especially when it comes in the form of death. No words can express the depths of grief. And no words can console the bereft with comfort. It is not the deceased who suffers at the time of death, but those left behind to grieve the loss. Time is relative to the breaking heart, but only time will heal the deepest wounds. I don’t believe that any two individuals experience the same life event in the same way. We all have different lessons to learn in this life. Death is just part of the exam. Deaths of loved ones are like the preparation quizzes for our own ultimate demise. The final exam concludes for each person alive when he or she finally gives up that spark and allows the human body to complete its mission of housing the spiritual being you truly are.
These are my beliefs, my thoughts about death. I’m not going to say that my beliefs will always be the same because if there is anything I have learned in this life, it’s that beliefs are meant to change. I will never claim that my beliefs are any more valid than another’s. I enjoy looking at things from as many different angles and perceptions as possible. The wisdom of age and experience is a great teacher and I have far to go. I felt compelled to share this entry from my personal journal, so there it is.
Reading and education your emotions is one of the central activities of wisdom. ~ David Brooks